Banana ketchup: A sort of Friday the 13th story
by glockcourage
Summary: Summary: Who believes that Friday the thirteenth brings misfortune? For the Konoha kunoichis it brings opportunities. Crack. Implied TemariXShikamaru, TentenXNeji
1. Banana

Summary: Who believes that Friday the thirteenth brings misfortune? For the Konoha kunoichis it brings opportunities. OOC. Implied TemariXShikamaru, TentenXNeji

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Kishimoto

**Banana: A Sort of Friday the 13th Story**

"Hey, Temari had you ever had a Friday the 13th like experience?" asked Ino.

"Why'd you ask?" Temari looked at Ino and frowned. She actually remembered the time she was on her way to Suna when her teacup just cracked and then she received that awful message from Kakashi's team that both her brothers were in danger.

"Well, Tenten over here claimed that yesterday she was so unusually clumsy she fell because of a banana peal that was thrown on the ground," Sakura replied.

"Yeah, yesterday was the 13th and its Friday," Ino added. "No wonder Tenten fell."

"So what happened after you fell?" Temari asked Tenten directly.

"Nothing," Tenten answered. Three pairs of questioning eyes stared at her. The way she said _nothing _had made it seem like there was something. Sakura and Ino were smiling as if they had an idea what that something could be.

"Come on. Give!" from Ino.

"Yeah," from Sakura.

Temari just shrugged.

"Neji was able to break my fall. He was just suddenly there and before I hit the ground, he sort of wrapped his right arm around my waist and caught me just in time," Tenten said with her ears a bit red.

"Tch, why would a kunoichi like you slip just because of a banana peal in the first place?" Temari asked. For Temari, she would rather hit the ground than be grabbed by someone else. That would be more embarrassing.

"Well, I think it's sweet," Ino blurted out with a giggle, claspping her hands together.

"So what did you feel when Neji _was sort of_ holding you?" Sakura questioned, trying to hold in check her brimming curiosity.

Tenten smiled mysteriously. "Well, it wa—"

"Well, she felt embarrassed, of course! You guys, no need to rub it in that Tenten was clumsy. You said it yourself it was Friday the thirteenth," Temari barked at Sakura and Ino, sounding exasperated. Honestly, Temari didn't know why she felt sorry towards Tenten. If Tenten practiced her Taijutsu more, she probably wouldn't just fall and lost her balance just because of something as insignificant as a banana.

Tenten, Sakura and Ino all looked at Temari as if Temari just said something shocking.

"What?" Temari asked perplexed.

The three girls then just ignored her.

"So?" Sakura inquired calmly, but still appeared ready to break into a huge grin.

Tenten gave a giggly laugh. "It was pretty exhilarating!"

"Whaaat?" boomed Temari. If she was perplexed a while back, now, she was dumbfounded_. Are Konoha kunoichis' okay with being saved all the time? Where is their pride?_

The three girls continued to ignore her.

"Then what?" exclaimed by Ino; excitement written all over her face.

"Well, Neji if you could imagine, he sort of turned pink then—"

"Neji blushed? Why the hell would he blush? Neji is a man. He doesn…" Temari was cut off because both Ino and Sakura glared at her and with their index finger on their lips both said, "Shhhh."

"As I was saying Neji turned pink just a bit though and then we sort of stared at each other then he helped me to stand up after well clearing his throat and asking me if I was ok," Tenten chattered to Ino and Sakura and the two girls listened as if the news was the news of the century.

"Oh that was so cute," remarked Sakura, smiling.

_What the hell was cute?_ "What the hell was cute, Sakura?" growled Temari.

Sakura glanced at Temari and laughed. "Well, do you want us to do it for you too? But it has to be on a Friday the 13th otherwise the boy of your choosing would be suspicious." Sakura was obviously thinking ahead already. "Its ok next month, the 13th falls on a Friday again."

"Yeah, that's a good suggestion. Maybe we could also help Temari and _I-know-who_ to get closer." Ino beamed.

"Wait, guys, what the hell are you talking about?" Temari looked mad enough to hurt Ino and/or Sakura but the two didn't seem to care.

"Oh you know who?" Sakura asked Ino. Temari was again ignored.

"I didn't know that you are close enough to Temari to know that? Did Kankuro tell you?" Tenten also turned her attention to Ino, addressing just her.

"Na-ah," Ino said smiling naughtily at the two.

Temari glared at the three Konoha kunoichis. _What the hell are they talking about? _

"Come on tell us," Tenten demanded.

"Well, Temari could I tell them?" Ino batted her lashes, prettily, at Temari.

"Tell them what?" Temari glowered at Ino.

"Sorry, Ten. If I tell you and Sakura, I will definitely be dead," Ino solemnly stated.

Temari had finally lost her patience with the three. "Ok, I'm going ahead first," she hissed as she prepared to leave. She opted to jump from Sakura's room window to the next building's roof instead of using the door.

-o0o-o0o-o0o-

Temari jumped from roof to roof. It was faster to travel that way. She was on the ledge preparing to leap to the next roof when she slipped. She noticed too late that somebody left a banana peal on the already steep and slippery ledge. It was a good thing something broke her fall. It was 3 floors high afterall.

"Get off me you, troublesome woman!" groaned Shikamaru from underneath.

"Oh," Temari gasped, still winded. She was sprawled on top of Shikamaru's chest.

"I said get off me, woman!" Shikamaru's hands went around Temari's waist to move her to his side.

Temari felt Shikamaru's hands holding her around the waist—_almost like an embrace_. She became rigid and tense.

After Temari was moved towards Shikamaru's left side, Shikamaru's hands immediately retracted from around her. With his now freed hands, Shikamaru pushed himself to a sitting position.

Temari remained prone on Shikamaru's side for few quiet, awkward seconds before she hastily stood up and spluttered, "_I didn't do it on purpose!_ It was the banana and the roof was already slippery and tilted and..."

Shikamaru remained seated there on the ground and stared up at Temari dispassionately. Then he shrugged and rose himself. Shikamaru just calmly cleaned the seat of his pants, the back of his pant legs and the back of his vest with his hands.

Temari was blushing a bright red as she explained, "Unlike Tenten who as I understand it did it on purpose I really didn't. It was an accident and you could check the roof if you want."

Shikamaru was done removing the dirt from his vest and pants; he now glanced at Temari and noticed that she was glaring at him. "What?" Shikamaru asked.

"I didn't know you were down here. How the hell would I know you were here?" Temari defended herself.

Shikamaru placed his right pinkie inside his right ear, rotating it. "You're too loud woman. Alright you didn't do it on purpose." Shikamaru rolled both shoulders before turning and starting to walk away.

Temari was dismayed."That's it?" Temari addressed Shikamaru's back.

Shikamaru pivoted around, slowly. "Tch, was there going to be something else?" Shikamaru asked in a bored voice.

Temari stared at Shikamaru, watching him and trying to read his expression. "Tenten said Neji turned pink at least..._And that's Neji!_"

Shikamaru drawled, uninterested. "So Neji blushed? Well, that's a big deal. So is there anything else you want to tell me?"

"Nothing! Just don't tell this to anyone especially not to Ino. Ino would definitely tell Sakura and Sakura would probably tell Tenten." Temari glowered threateningly.

Shikamaru shrugged again and was about to turn when...

"You, you didn't feel anything did you?" Temari asked.

"When you fell and crashed on me?"

"No after that."

Shikamaru scratched his head. "Well..."

"Well, what?" Temari waited for Shikamaru's answer. Honestly, the boy seemed to take more time in answering this one.

"Well, now that you mentioned it—" Shikamaru paused, "—my butt felt like it was smashed and my back felt like it snapped. Really woman, you're so damn heavy!"

Temari blinked. She could not decide if she should just hit Shikamaru or strangle him. In the end, she did both.

**Epilogue**

"What happened to you?" Ino asked the limping Shikamaru.

"Temari fell on me from a building," Shikamaru answered.

"When?" Ino inquired with a frown.

"Yesterday."

"Ah," Ino breathed, seeming to discover something.

"What?" Shikamaru raised a brow.

"I bet she fell because of a banana and you we're just... just standing there," declared Ino, straight faced.

"How did you know?"

Ino just giggled.

—o0o—

A/N: Feb 13 and March 13, 2009 both happened on a Friday in my country.

Please R & R.

11-3-10, 1/20/11

~4/24/12AF~


	2. ketchup

**Ketchup**

"Poor Temari," Ino sighed loudly, dramatically trying to attract Sakura's and Tenten' attention.

"Why?" asked Sakura dependably, curiosity already successfully poked.

"What!" Tenten announced in disbelief.

Ino smiled. _Yes, the two can be made into her allies._

-o0o-o0o-o0o-

"Lazy ass," Temari greeted Shikamaru with a grin upon arriving at the Konoha gate after a three day travel from Suna.

"Tch," replied Shikamaru, turning towards the direction of the Hokage tower and started walking towards it.

Temari glared at Shikamaru's back. "Aren't you gonna ask how's my trip?"

"How's your trip?" Shikamaru mumbled, tucking both his hands inside his pockets.

"Yeah you sound so interested!" Temari said scathingly. "Gee, let me see it was hot. It was boring. I even wished there were some enemy nins that I could _play _with."

Shikamaru just shrugged. He did not even bother looking behind him to make sure Temari was still following him.

Temari continued scowling at Shikamaru's back. She was about to walk faster to catch up with him when suddenly, each of her hands was manacled by a person and a third hand was shoved to cover her mouth. She was restrained and abruptly moved towards a side alley.

Temari tried to throw off her captors but the one holding her mouth and nose was quite strong. She had difficulty breathing because of it. She was able to draw a breath when that hand was lifted to be replaced by a cloth gag and a blindfold, while both her hands were also tied at her back.

Temari wasn't able to see who her captors were_. They must be from Konoha since they obviously knew where they could attack without anyone noticing them. Dammit! I was asking for an enemy nin on my way here— not here! I couldn't hurt this bunch of idiots! Not on their territory. They could just claim I attacked them and that's it, I could kiss goodbye the Konoha-Suna Treaty._

-o0o-o0o-o0o-

"Tch, you're giving me the silent treatment. Good, I can enjoy this peace longer," Shikamaru stated.

Nobody replied. Shikamaru would have glanced backwards but he figured that must be what Temari wanted that's why she was being quiet and aside from that it would be troublesome.

"We're here. I trust you know where you'r..." Shikamaru's voice faded away when he finally noticed he was alone outside the Hokage's office. "Tch, go hide yourself but remember the Hokage's waiting," Shikamaru muttered in his typical _I don't care_ tone.

Still no Temari popped out of nowhere.

Shikamaru lifted his shoulders in a shrug. Afterall Temari knew her way around Konoha. If she was mad because of something, she'll just go visit the Hokage later. Shikamaru decided to leave the Hokage tower.

Shikamaru went to his favourite place at the rooftop of a building. He could watched the clouds for hours here. He was lying on his back doing just that when something hit him. He moved to a sitting position and saw on the floor what was obviously a pebble wrapped with crumpled paper. Shikamaru swivelled his head to his right then to his left looking for the one who threw it at him. He unwrapped the paper then read:

_Genius of Konoha, if you still want to see that kunoichi from Suna tell your Hokage that she will be arriving later than planned and tell no one that she is currently missing. If we learn that you disobeyed our orders we will cut our losses and dispatch of her._

It was then that Shikamaru noticed a clump of cut strands of blond hair included in the letter.

"Tch, troublesome." Shikamaru crumpled the note, placed it beside him and laid down. "Temari would be so pissed. On second thought she got her wish." Shikamaru made himself more comfortable, yawned then fell asleep.

-o0o-o0o-o0o-

"Oi! Shikamaru, Tsunade-bachan is looking for you," Naruto yelled as he arrived about two hours later.

"Tch, did she tell you why?" asked Shikamaru who was still rubbing the sleepiness off his eyes.

"You're supposed to have accompanied Gaara's sister to see her hours ago."

"_You mean Temari's still with them?"_ Shikamaru exclaimed while trying to stifle a yawn.

"With who?" Naruto inquired, bewildered.

"Her captors."

"Her captors?" Naruto parotted.

"Yeah." Shikamaru noticed Naruto's worried frown. "Tch, that woman can take care of herself."

Naruto nodded his head. "I'll tell Tsunade-bachan that Temari is kidnapped but that she doesn't have to worry."

Shikamaru shrugged. No need to show to Naruto the letter warning him that he shouldn't tell anyone especially the Hokage about Temari. After all in a little while Temari would have fought her way out of it.

-o0o-o0o-o0o-

It was now twelve noon, exactly four hours after Temari went missing.

Shikamaru stretched his arms up, sat down then scratched his head and looked around. Something woke him up again then he noticed it—Temari's fan was placed in an upright position against the opposite wall.

Shikamaru stood and approached the giant fan. There was a piece of paper sticking out on one of its folds. There was a message:

_Genius of Konoha, you obviously disobeyed us. You know what will happen to your friend._

Shikamaru folded the note, tucked it inside his jacket pocket and started walking towards the stairs, all the while, complaining, "What a drag," before mumbling, "I better eat first."

-o0o-o0o-o0o-

Shikamaru saw Ino and Sakura once he reached the outside of the building.

"Hey, Shikamaru going somewhere?" asked an excited Ino.

"Lunch," Shikamaru replied.

"Oh," said Ino before suggesting, "Can we join you?"

Shikamaru nodded his head slightly.

"So after you have lunch are you going somewhere, Shikamaru?" Sakura inquired.

Shikamaru eyed Sakura. "Why'd you ask?"

Sakura suddenly stuttered, "Well, it—it—" Unable to finish, she glared at Shikamaru before continuing again, "Well, it seems you've been sleeping the whole day. Aren't you gonna do something more productive?"

Shikamaru looked Sakura in the eye as if gauging something. Sakura was the first to drop her gaze. Shikamaru shrugged. "I'll probably go home to feed the herd then I'll play Shogi with dad."

"Oh," Sakura remarked, disappointed. Ino elbowed her.

"By the way, Shikamaru, we're still not hungry so we'll go ahead," Ino announced, speedily taking Sakura's arm before dragging her away.

-o0o-o0o-o0o-

"I can't believe you guys left me alone with her!" a female shinobi holding a large, four bladed shuriken, grumbled.

"Quit complaining! You wanted in in this one remember? If only for revenge you said," replied the other, while blowing her long blond bangs away from her face. Clearly, she was irritated about something.

"So where's the target?" the kunoichi with the Fuma shuriken asked.

"Not acting the way he should," answered the third person in the group.

"That's because it's all your fault!" yelled the kunoichi with the bangs at the third person.

"How's it that it's my fault?" the third person shouted back. Her large forehead shortened by a frown.

"Because you are as subtle as a...a...bear! And furthermore, your messages are not threatening enough!" The blond kunoichi glared.

"A bear? What's that supposed to mean?" inquired the kunoichi with the frown.

"Guys, guys! Anytime now Temari would wake up. Trust me she can fight off that medicine that you provided. I already gave her two shots when you reassured me the first shot would suffice. Now, let's focus on how to lure our target here," reasoned the other kunoichi, folding the four shuriken blades into one.

"Well, it's now 12:12. He's probably still eating. We can send him another message to meet us here," suggested the kunoichi whose frown was fast disappearing. "I will write something more threatening! Maybe I'll even cut Temari and take some of her blood."

The kunoichi, aghast, paused in hiding her shuriken inside her giant scroll. "Are you crazy?" she whined.

"No. I'm not. I'm a medic. It's just blood. And anyway, you're already holding that—" the shinobi with the wide forehead pointed towards the other's huge scroll, retorting, "—so let's use it to draw blood."

The kunoichi, with the long bangs, thought fast before her two companion's argument escalated, she turned towards them and exclaimed, "Hey, I have an idea!"

-o0o-o0o-o0o-

Shikamaru was on his way towards his clan forest to tend to their deers when suddenly a kunai wheezed through the air passing near his right ear and embedding on the tree. A note was tied to the circular part of the handle.

"Tch, another one," Shikamaru mumbled, taking the missive from the tree and reading it.

_We have now dispatched your friend. Go to the back of the Konaha school, you'll find her body there. May this be a lesson for you._

Shikamaru noticed the bloody smudges on the note. He sighed, turned around and went towards the direction of the Konoha school.

When Shikamaru arrived at the back of the school, he spotted Temari's obi tied around one of the trees about twenty metres away. He went closer towards the obi and realized it was drenched which made its colour a darker red.

Looking around; about another fifteen more metres away, he noticed Temari's Suna head protector lying on the ground. He approached and inspected it. There was a red smudge on the head protector. Shikamaru started to frown.

Shikamaru was now about thirty five metres away from the school and into the forest. He glanced around him and that was when he saw about twenty more metres away a bounded Temari lying on the ground unconscious with blood on her head and stomach.

Shikamaru ran towards the unconscious Suna kunoichi.

"Oi woman!" Shikamaru crouched down, untied Temari's hand and feet then shook her shoulders. "Oi Temari!" he repeated.

"W-what?" Temari moaned groggily. Her right hand went to her head touching it. "Gah, I have a splitting headache."

Shikamaru stood up while Temari moved to a sitting position.

Temari turned her head around carefully. Finally, realizing where she was, she grumbled, "Why the hell I'm here?" Then she noticed that she was covered with dark red substance that felt sticky. "And what the hell is this?" She lifted her head to glare at Shikamaru.

"That's supposed to be your blood," Shikamaru replied in a bored monotone.

_"My what?"_ Temari was confused, making her glare furiously at Shikamaru.

"Tch, does anything hurt, Temari?" Shikamaru ignored the evil look coming towards him.

"Only my head. It feels awful. Now, won't you tell me what happened?"

"Are you saying you don't know?"

"I wouldn't ask you if I know, do I?" Temari snapped.

"Tch. You'll figure it out yourself. In the meantime I think the Hokage is waiting for your arrival." With that said Shikamaru turned around and started walking towards where he came from.

Temari glowered at Shikamaru's back which reminded her that she was following Shikamaru on the way to the Hokage tower when she was kidnapped. Someone kept on injecting her with something that made her feel sleepy and weak. She was able to fight it off but that masked kunoichi with inhuman strength had tied her arms and feet real tight in such a way that it was impossible to perform a seal.

It was obvious to Temari that whoever kidnapped her didn't want her killed, just scared probably. But even that was questionable since the remaining kunoichi just kept on pricking her with that Kami-awful medicine. Temari had planned on pretending to be asleep and then take the kunoichi unaware but the kunoichi obviously trained her attention on her every second that a slight eye movement behind her closed eyelids were detected.

And now she was here in the forest awakened by Shikamaru with a sticky substance on her clothes. It smelled and appeared like blood but it was not hers. If it was, she would have felt the sting by now. So far she only got an aching head probably brought about by the medicine.

"Shikamaru, wait!" Temari demanded. She tried to get up but that jarred her head so much it intensified the pain.

Shikamaru looked behind him, murmuring, "Troublesome." But he went back to Temari's side anyway to help her stand up.

Temari shoved Shikamaru's hands away. "I don't need your help. Now, why the hell I'm here?"

"Woman! You can't possibly still not know!" Shikamaru stared at Temari, concluding, "Are you playing a joke on me?"

Temari's head was splitting. To share her misery she searched for her big folding fan but since she couldn't find it she used her hand instead to hit Shikamaru on the back of his head.

_"Ite!"_ Shikamaru rubbed the back of his head then he sighed, "I doubt you're in it too. But I still don't get it how you are not able to get away from them."

"Get away from who?" Temari exploded.

Shikamaru just brushed off Temari's temper. "So why didn't you stop them?"

"You are not gonna tell me who they are, are you?"

"No."

"S_ee!_ That's why I didn't fight them off. If I killed them, Konoha would probably place all the blame on me. Even you are trying to protect them," Temari accused. "I don't even know why they did it. Are they trying to stop me from talking to the Hokage? But what would they gain from that?"

Shikamaru lifted his shoulders again. "Beats me. They're just having fun at our expense probably."

Temari glared towards Shikamaru again. "And what is this stuff anyway?" Temari pointed towards the red mess on her clothes, unaware of the one smudged on her forehead.

"Ketchup," Shikamaru answered. True enough now that the jutsu was wearing off the sticky substance smelled more like tomato than blood.

_**Epilogue**_

"Hey, Temari, I heard you were in danger. Shikamaru must have been frantic. So what did he do when he saw you, with all that blood?" Ino queried.

Temari stared at Ino, hard.

Ino smiled nervously then babbled hurriedly, "I forgot. I need to prepare for a mission. Yes. Ok. Bye." Ino walked fast then ran.

_"INO GET BACK HERE!"_

—o0o—

11/20,22.12/4/10

~4 24 12AF~


End file.
